Friend,
I know that you are a very busy man, but if you get a chance... I'd love to read an expansion of the thoughts you wrote in your last email.
I think the lines between "want" and "need" get blurred far too easily in our minds and in society at large.
Sometimes I think, in retrospect, that I am blind to my actual needs, at the time of my need. My brain gets clouded with desires and material pursuits, and occasionally I forget my overarching goals. (Basically I'm like the dog from the Disney movie Up. Squirrel!)
I must openly admit that I am glad that my myopic vision, and hollow pursuits, are interrupted by a force greater than myself. I'm pretty sure if left to my own devices, I would have squandered away this precious life I was given.
"I see the right, and I approve it too. Condemn the wrong, and yet the wrong pursue."- Ovid metamorphosis
Sometimes Necessity crashes our world into a million pieces. Frustrates our hopes and dreams and leaves us feeling confused and lost. I've often had to grin when my arrogance had me thinking I knew the direction my life was headed; only to find myself in a dark woods.
I guess sometimes we have to have everything taken from us, before we can awaken to a greater destiny. For every door that god closes he opens one in exchange.
I find it deeply ironic that it is when it appears the darkest part of the night, that light is about to come. Perhaps so goes our souls? That it is only in our darkest hour that we find a path that is truly and authentically our own?
Oh well. Enough philosophizing. I am only the Thinker that does not Know her fate. I guess that's where faith has to begin.
In religious settings I've often pondered how the god of some pastors and rabbis could be so fragile that he could be threatened by mere questions.
The God I worshipped since childhood, was too mighty to be reduced. I have, felt throughout my life, to be surrounded by something much greater. Something that could neither be added to , nor diminished . Something much more complete than myself.
I've never found a word that fully encapsulates the entirety of the feeling of awe, I have when encountering life and other. I sometimes call this creator and overarching presence: God; for lack of a better word. I have found no language , no word, or understanding of mortal man, that can fully epitomize the essence of this: God.
Unlike religious leaders who have been quick to be threatened and quicker yet to lash out... the Knower only answers my inquiries with a mysterious silence....stillness. I find this to be frustrating but powerful. I am left to my own devices with only the echoing of my own voice to comfort me. Thrown into a confusing and uncertain reality; searching for meaning and purpose.
I never have been able to fully understand or bridge the gap to how I am simultaneously making choices that lead me to the person that I Am; with this gentle overriding force that appears to occasionally slam a door in my face, so that I can see a different opportunity that has presented itself.
My path has never been easy. My Suffering has been immense. I was lucky enough to have others around to ease the weightiness of my burdens. Friends , have provided comfort through their gentle smiles and outreached hands. Although my battle is clearly my own, I've been appreciative of the kind words and compassion, others have shown me. The blows of struggles are truly lightened by the Yoke.
I'm sorry that you too have faced the sadness caused by others. Loving to learn, and inquire about the nature of reality, is a good thing. Its how all human advancements are achieved.
Phone is dying. Dont know if any of this ranting makes sense. I'm glad to know you Friend. Wish I hadn't met you so late in my life. Appreciate you.
Any hint of where God might be directing you next?
Peace out.
sherry
Ah, Friend!
You fight the good fight. My coaching was always of questionable origins! I'm a chaotic character whose motives usually straddle the outer limits of morality. I mostly leave people guessing, exactly Whose fight, I'm fighting for. Your battle is much more clear. Your a man of God. Embrace the life you've chosen. In my opinion it was an awesome way to live!
As for coordination problems... I was able to do amazing athletic feats; however, I often would trip walking into the boxing/ muay thai ring (leaving everyone laughing). My own giant feet used to get in the way! Fighters picked on me endlessly about my infamous approaches to the ring, where i landed face first before the fight even began.
I tripped on more than one wrestling mat while approaching my competitor. For both wrestling and martial arts tournaments.
In swimming, soccer, volleyball etc... I could always manage to do the most clumsy embarrassing thing possible, in front of the fans, prior to competition. But I usually took the front page of the newspaper (sports) for my victories once competition actually began.
I was fearless on a ski slope and effortlessly could ski at over 60 miles an hour, doing flips and amazing acts of balance... however, I never did master the art of not falling over while clicking my ski boots into my bindings .... nor could I ever fully manage the tricky chair lift.
Just because someone is a world class athlete, doesn't mean they are perfectly fine tuned to sports.
I was an awkward gawky kid, initially. I had severe allergies and liked to read. I didn't break 5 feet tall till after 18 years old. I wore a women's size 11 sneaker since my 8th birthday. My hands were bigger than most adult men's by my 8th birthday, as well. I looked kind of like an Ethiopian when I was young. And always failed to meet the schools minimum physical standards for growth. I couldn't control my hands, and had a deficit in fine motor coordination. (Such as controlling a pencil or using scissors w/o breaking the things in 1/2.)
The major point is.... I used what I had at my disposal. I had endurance, strength, speed, and an uncanny memory. My brain retains things like a video camera. I have heightened visual and auditory aptitudes. And don’t register pain. Thus... my disabilities inevitably became my abilities. My handicap was what I used to set myself apart as a superior athlete.
Just because you started exploring physical fitness later in life, doesn't mean that you weren't more than capable in your younger years. I'm quite sure, Friend, had you been encouraged... you could have enjoyed sporting challenges. Although I must openly admit that I far more appreciate the path you chose. Your voice is amazing and your mental capacities are enchanting!
Peace out
Sherry
Friend,
I started out in life with scoliosis, bowed legs, and my jaw dislocates when I open it too widely.
My mouth never fully developed and remained the size of a child's. I recurrently chewed the back of my mouth and tongue until my back teeth had to be removed.
My pupils remained dilated from birth till a few years ago, when neurologists administered a medication to correct the nervous system issue.
I became the first lifeguard in New York to have a license that included nose plugs. I'm missing the nerve between my nose-mouth-throat. When I jump into water, the water fills up my lungs w/o an artificial intervention. I have no gag reflex, so I can reach down my throat if I'm choking and remove blocked item. I also lack vocal control as a bi-product of the missing nerve.
It freaks people out that I can fix my own broken bones (such as nose, dislocated wrist etc). I can touch my own eye ball w/o discomfort. Stitches, teeth extractions/root canals, EGD, spinal taps etc...cause no pain therefore need no anesthesia.
My skin is so white that my primary color is the blue of my veins. I neither tan nor burn when exposed to sun. I usually just end up horribly sick in heat. I thrive in subzero temperatures and love the feel of cold on my skin. I guess what I really like is that cold acts as natures vaso-constrictor which helps my body function at a higher level.
My heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature dont stay regulated. And blood tests usually yield alarming markers for doctors.
My body makes blood exceptionally well, so I heal from injuries incredibly fast. But even that makes me seem weird. During my athlete years, I could be bruised and hours later healed.
I have heightened hearing and visual acuity so I am frequently bothered by my environment. I also have severe tinnitus.
I am extremely hyperactive, and have troubles sitting still. I'm always looking curiously for a new adventure, which at best, bothers people. I'm in a constant state of stimulation.
At best I manage to sleep 3-4 hours a night. I lack social intelligence and dont interact, much less communicate , the same as others. I had severe speech impediments as a child. Life at home was worse than the physical issues... so I was left permanently scared. I never quite fit in or understood others. I was always in a world of my own.
And to top all the rest of weird off... I could read by age 3 and was tested at low genius IQ in grade school. I haven't stopped reading or learning since. I have full memory databases that span over my life since age 3.
If I'm focused, I have a fairly good recall. Which unfortunately means traumas never go away, for me.
(At my peak I could read 3-6 long books every 2 hours and could tell professors exact quotes and the page they would be found. I read out entire libraries with my obsession. I tried to bury my painful memories using thousands of books crammed in... but the data overload never really occurred, I just exhausted my body and got really bad headaches).
I watched my entire family die, with the exception of my parents. And people are frequently unkind.
My point.... life isn't so much about the hand we are dealt; but what we chose to do with it. Our most prized gift from God, is our ability to decide who we want to Be. We are given our initial body, but what to make of it, is our decision. I opted to use my defects as gifts instead. It was a choice, that's all.
And I think, if you did receive any "coaching" from me, that would be what I most hope you took away from our relationship. You're teaching me social skills, how to play nicely with others, to accept myself, and what my place in the world is.
I believe that each of us has a gift, something that has taken us a lifetime to learn. I hope that my gift to you can be seeing that every disability could lead to an ability. (Or, maybe you'll just see the importance of a really big heart?, either way!)
Peace out!
Sherry
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