Friend,
I know that you are a very busy man, but if you get a chance... I'd love to read an expansion of the thoughts you wrote in your last email.
I think the lines between "want" and "need" get blurred far too easily in our minds and in society at large.
Sometimes I think, in retrospect, that I am blind to my actual needs, at the time of my need. My brain gets clouded with desires and material pursuits, and occasionally I forget my overarching goals. (Basically I'm like the dog from the Disney movie Up. Squirrel!)
I must openly admit that I am glad that my myopic vision, and hollow pursuits, are interrupted by a force greater than myself. I'm pretty sure if left to my own devices, I would have squandered away this precious life I was given.
"I see the right, and I approve it too. Condemn the wrong, and yet the wrong pursue."- Ovid metamorphosis
Sometimes Necessity crashes our world into a million pieces. Frustrates our hopes and dreams and leaves us feeling confused and lost. I've often had to grin when my arrogance had me thinking I knew the direction my life was headed; only to find myself in a dark woods.
I guess sometimes we have to have everything taken from us, before we can awaken to a greater destiny. For every door that god closes he opens one in exchange.
I find it deeply ironic that it is when it appears the darkest part of the night, that light is about to come. Perhaps so goes our souls? That it is only in our darkest hour that we find a path that is truly and authentically our own?
Oh well. Enough philosophizing. I am only the Thinker that does not Know her fate. I guess that's where faith has to begin.
In religious settings I've often pondered how the god of some pastors and rabbis could be so fragile that he could be threatened by mere questions.
The God I worshipped since childhood, was too mighty to be reduced. I have, felt throughout my life, to be surrounded by something much greater. Something that could neither be added to , nor diminished . Something much more complete than myself.
I've never found a word that fully encapsulates the entirety of the feeling of awe, I have when encountering life and other. I sometimes call this creator and overarching presence: God; for lack of a better word. I have found no language , no word, or understanding of mortal man, that can fully epitomize the essence of this: God.
Unlike religious leaders who have been quick to be threatened and quicker yet to lash out... the Knower only answers my inquiries with a mysterious silence....stillness. I find this to be frustrating but powerful. I am left to my own devices with only the echoing of my own voice to comfort me. Thrown into a confusing and uncertain reality; searching for meaning and purpose.
I never have been able to fully understand or bridge the gap to how I am simultaneously making choices that lead me to the person that I Am; with this gentle overriding force that appears to occasionally slam a door in my face, so that I can see a different opportunity that has presented itself.
My path has never been easy. My Suffering has been immense. I was lucky enough to have others around to ease the weightiness of my burdens. Friends , have provided comfort through their gentle smiles and outreached hands. Although my battle is clearly my own, I've been appreciative of the kind words and compassion, others have shown me. The blows of struggles are truly lightened by the Yoke.
I'm sorry that you too have faced the sadness caused by others. Loving to learn, and inquire about the nature of reality, is a good thing. Its how all human advancements are achieved.
Phone is dying. Dont know if any of this ranting makes sense. I'm glad to know you Friend. Wish I hadn't met you so late in my life. Appreciate you.
Any hint of where God might be directing you next?
Peace out.
sherry
Ah, Friend!
You fight the good fight. My coaching was always of questionable origins! I'm a chaotic character whose motives usually straddle the outer limits of morality. I mostly leave people guessing, exactly Whose fight, I'm fighting for. Your battle is much more clear. Your a man of God. Embrace the life you've chosen. In my opinion it was an awesome way to live!
As for coordination problems... I was able to do amazing athletic feats; however, I often would trip walking into the boxing/ muay thai ring (leaving everyone laughing). My own giant feet used to get in the way! Fighters picked on me endlessly about my infamous approaches to the ring, where i landed face first before the fight even began.
I tripped on more than one wrestling mat while approaching my competitor. For both wrestling and martial arts tournaments.
In swimming, soccer, volleyball etc... I could always manage to do the most clumsy embarrassing thing possible, in front of the fans, prior to competition. But I usually took the front page of the newspaper (sports) for my victories once competition actually began.
I was fearless on a ski slope and effortlessly could ski at over 60 miles an hour, doing flips and amazing acts of balance... however, I never did master the art of not falling over while clicking my ski boots into my bindings .... nor could I ever fully manage the tricky chair lift.
Just because someone is a world class athlete, doesn't mean they are perfectly fine tuned to sports.
I was an awkward gawky kid, initially. I had severe allergies and liked to read. I didn't break 5 feet tall till after 18 years old. I wore a women's size 11 sneaker since my 8th birthday. My hands were bigger than most adult men's by my 8th birthday, as well. I looked kind of like an Ethiopian when I was young. And always failed to meet the schools minimum physical standards for growth. I couldn't control my hands, and had a deficit in fine motor coordination. (Such as controlling a pencil or using scissors w/o breaking the things in 1/2.)
The major point is.... I used what I had at my disposal. I had endurance, strength, speed, and an uncanny memory. My brain retains things like a video camera. I have heightened visual and auditory aptitudes. And don’t register pain. Thus... my disabilities inevitably became my abilities. My handicap was what I used to set myself apart as a superior athlete.
Just because you started exploring physical fitness later in life, doesn't mean that you weren't more than capable in your younger years. I'm quite sure, Friend, had you been encouraged... you could have enjoyed sporting challenges. Although I must openly admit that I far more appreciate the path you chose. Your voice is amazing and your mental capacities are enchanting!
Peace out
Sherry
Friend,
I started out in life with scoliosis, bowed legs, and my jaw dislocates when I open it too widely.
My mouth never fully developed and remained the size of a child's. I recurrently chewed the back of my mouth and tongue until my back teeth had to be removed.
My pupils remained dilated from birth till a few years ago, when neurologists administered a medication to correct the nervous system issue.
I became the first lifeguard in New York to have a license that included nose plugs. I'm missing the nerve between my nose-mouth-throat. When I jump into water, the water fills up my lungs w/o an artificial intervention. I have no gag reflex, so I can reach down my throat if I'm choking and remove blocked item. I also lack vocal control as a bi-product of the missing nerve.
It freaks people out that I can fix my own broken bones (such as nose, dislocated wrist etc). I can touch my own eye ball w/o discomfort. Stitches, teeth extractions/root canals, EGD, spinal taps etc...cause no pain therefore need no anesthesia.
My skin is so white that my primary color is the blue of my veins. I neither tan nor burn when exposed to sun. I usually just end up horribly sick in heat. I thrive in subzero temperatures and love the feel of cold on my skin. I guess what I really like is that cold acts as natures vaso-constrictor which helps my body function at a higher level.
My heart rate, blood pressure, body temperature dont stay regulated. And blood tests usually yield alarming markers for doctors.
My body makes blood exceptionally well, so I heal from injuries incredibly fast. But even that makes me seem weird. During my athlete years, I could be bruised and hours later healed.
I have heightened hearing and visual acuity so I am frequently bothered by my environment. I also have severe tinnitus.
I am extremely hyperactive, and have troubles sitting still. I'm always looking curiously for a new adventure, which at best, bothers people. I'm in a constant state of stimulation.
At best I manage to sleep 3-4 hours a night. I lack social intelligence and dont interact, much less communicate , the same as others. I had severe speech impediments as a child. Life at home was worse than the physical issues... so I was left permanently scared. I never quite fit in or understood others. I was always in a world of my own.
And to top all the rest of weird off... I could read by age 3 and was tested at low genius IQ in grade school. I haven't stopped reading or learning since. I have full memory databases that span over my life since age 3.
If I'm focused, I have a fairly good recall. Which unfortunately means traumas never go away, for me.
(At my peak I could read 3-6 long books every 2 hours and could tell professors exact quotes and the page they would be found. I read out entire libraries with my obsession. I tried to bury my painful memories using thousands of books crammed in... but the data overload never really occurred, I just exhausted my body and got really bad headaches).
I watched my entire family die, with the exception of my parents. And people are frequently unkind.
My point.... life isn't so much about the hand we are dealt; but what we chose to do with it. Our most prized gift from God, is our ability to decide who we want to Be. We are given our initial body, but what to make of it, is our decision. I opted to use my defects as gifts instead. It was a choice, that's all.
And I think, if you did receive any "coaching" from me, that would be what I most hope you took away from our relationship. You're teaching me social skills, how to play nicely with others, to accept myself, and what my place in the world is.
I believe that each of us has a gift, something that has taken us a lifetime to learn. I hope that my gift to you can be seeing that every disability could lead to an ability. (Or, maybe you'll just see the importance of a really big heart?, either way!)
Peace out!
Sherry
Looks Like Rain
She stood with a sordid stare
At the corner of walk and don’t walk
Looking at the reflection of
What she used to be.
A puddle splashes, a mist arises
A tear squeezes from her eye;
The dark lenses of her glasses
Conceal the pain that lingers
Deep inside.
Yes,
Once she was happy,
Once she was a fair young maiden in Love
Now,
With palloudious stare she is a solitary walker
Only observing the joys of those who actually Live.
A car horn blows
She breaks from her
Minds eye and returns
To the sad reality,
The alarming reality,
That she’s stepped off of the curb in front of a car…
In the pouring rain.
Day
dreams.
What is she to become?
Overwhelmed by
Uncertainty
Forecast: Looks Like Rain.
The Mundane:
He screamed bloody murder
As a revolution of language
Expelled from his mouth.
With his haughtiness now gone
He wiped a smirk off of his
Defiant humorous face…
“Ouch!”
“Shit!”
“That Hurts!”
I got out of the shower
And stared at him with a
Touch of contempt.
His vanity seemed trivial today
The daft figure before me
Seemed more a venerable void
His hysterical scream had disturbed
My morning shower.
With a jagged razor he had
Liberated the skin from his face
An inescapable grin emerged and escaped
My efforts to dispense it from my expression.
His eyes fixed on me
He favored uptight poses
And he snapped a
“Don’t laugh, damn it! It’s not funny!”
In my general direction.
The prickly pears of rigid rules and roles
Were becoming intolerable
His bureaucracy was really hypocrisy
That knew no bounds.
I felt like I was at a dead meat convention
I wanted to let go of my puppet self and laugh
His narcissism had hurt him for once, not me!
I longed to step on variable footing
And cross cultural taboo
Dissipating the governor of proper conduct
I longed to respond more naturally, more honestly,
I wanted the guise of superficial behavior to be dropped
And the reality of my true self in all my horrible
Cold, literalness to emerge.
The bland unimaginative dope
Was condemning me,
Here in the golden grottos of my bathroom
Smooth sensuous pain,
Wonderful pain
He was accustomed to being
Right
While he stood gushing blood from his
Face.
I hand him some toilet paper
And offer him the suggestion:
“If it hurts when you do that,
Then don’t do that!”
I snicker and embark on the rest of
My morning rituals.
He dumps me.
But… Oh well
Love is a double-edged razor
Cuts both ways.
You never know if your going to get hurt
Yet we risk injury for the sake of beauty…
Strange creatures are we. So human an animal.
“Tattarrattat”-- Or, A Knock On The Door
I have lemel(ed) into stranger places than this
Evitative fate of the sexes
To love, to lose; the solos of a broken heart.
Never odd or even
My sagas of failure
Deleveled my hope.
Evil did I dwell, lewd did I live
Prurient desire drove me to the door wishing it was you.
Oh depart-er, I have been re-trapped
By my longing for you to reappear.
I am drawn onward
By the knock, knock, knock
Rattattattatt
A drawers reward is to see the object of her heart’s deepest passion.
A mood of doom
You were not in my radar
My face redder with embarrassment than lust
A rotator of my affect shifted
I refer myself to a more rational mind
And out of civic duty
Tell the mailwoman thank you for delivering
My letter.
Deliver-- the postmark had your name
Reviled by the party I most adored.
How could noon be so dark?
And the burning love be so cold
A journey to embark?
A Fine Mess:
“Kersplash.”
Bittersweet justice occurred
As I emerged from my front door.
A fine mess of thawed snow
Crashed on my head.
“Wham!”
“Ouch!”
Expressive silence follows.
An extremely bland
And numbing sensation overcomes me.
“Lickety -wop!”
The lesser evil
And gentle turbulence
Of water drips on my face.
“Splat.”
A water puddle
Marks the dull roar
That spring
Is closing in its distance.
“Shiiiin.”
Absolute droning silence
The dull shine of the sun
A dark victory.
“Blahhhhh!”
The melt creates holy hell
And I feel like I’m going nowhere.
Missing you, makes me feel….
“Ugh!”
The Solemn Boob in the Rotator Cuff of Life:
O, stone be not so
In words, alas, drown I.
I live evil
As lepers repel
I, at a mirror rim
Cry.
Laid at a dial
The top spots
Of my indiscretions
be front me.
We sew …
the tightly knitted quilt of our lives
Name not one man, that good fortune defined
No, it is opposition
The Higgs Bosom- God Particle
Which loop together the pool
Of messy DNA
That we call Life.
Lager, sir, is regal.
And I am in a fine mess!
One Day
Ever fleeting
I look to the sky
“Susseration.”
I believe there is a place for us
Somewhere between the stars
And the falling snow.
Barriers, bulges, bursting,
Banged, beaten, battered, bruised,
Blistered, and bashed.
On a cold winters night.
In a myriad of biting, nipping and visual splendor
I was myself,
And by myself
Stamp, stomp, tamp,
tromp, tramp
and step
Alone
But never closer to you
Then when thinking of you
A memory
Immortal possibility…
Vital, vigorous, vain, vicious,
Vacuous, vapid, vague, vacillate,
Vagrant, vaporous, vertigo, veer, vary
One day
Street lights
Frost bites
Shimmering; crystalline desire
Shivering into a nonsensical splendor
On a cold winters night.
Glisten, gleam, glint, glare, glam,
Glimmer, glaze, glass, glitz,
Gloss, glory, glow and glitter
An ambiguous cloak to shield me
From the elements
The vicissitudes of life
The frozen reality of loss.
“Furrow followed free”
I, and the sea of white before me
Oh how the wind surged up and swept snow ashore.
Barabara… reflect your state of separation and disarray
Chasing coattails of lives past
ever pursuing; ever fleeting
This endless and eternal Love.
Cham, chat, chatter, cry
Babble, blab, blabber, bawl
Gag, gasp, giggle, glug, gnash, gnaw
Grumble, groan, grump and moan
I believe there is a place for you and me.
Marauder, natter, rabble
Z… chunk, z, chunk
Titter, tatter, thisshig rerrick
Loudspeaker on…
Curtail my hurt
Put out the flames of my desire
Erase my footprints in the snow
So no one will know of my desperate longings
My weakness.
Ugh! Gee ghats!
My grief.
Zoinks!
Freezing in the night.
Difficult Fate.
There should be no path so clear
As the one that leads me to you.
Sharp, cutting,
Spiky, prickly
Bulbous, blob-like and diminutive
So natural
Be still my heart
In the silence of the storm
Where does the warmth and comfort
Of hope dwell?
Yikes! Geeze! Grrr…
Harumph! Gobbledygook
Hmpf!
I am lost without you.
I believe there is a better world
One not so cold or lonely;
A place where love can prevail
Love immortal
A truth that can never die.
House, hut, hovel,
Home, habitat of warmth
And togetherness
With a tear in my eye
I trample through the snow
Alone.
Endless possibilities fade away.
Frostbite sets in.
Will you love me on a cold winters night
In some distant future , a place free from the burdens of time?
One Day.
Alienated
“The world is too much with me.” She thought.
As the psychiatrist flatly informs her that Autistics have no feelings.
She lowered her eyes and looked to the ground uncomfortably.
She wiggled the toe of her Velcro sneaker into the doctors carpet
and shrugged her shoulders.
Ode to the misunderstood.
“Sadness."
Yes, that’s what she felt, as she writhed her hands insecurely
and made a sucking motion with her mouth. She felt sad and angry.
Misunderstood and rejected.
Silence…
The silence seemed to remove all of the air from the room.
It was as though, there was no breath to be had.
She felt the very essence of her being had been torn from her mortal body,
And stomped on by the doctors insincerity.
Alone…
The world could not see her for what she really was:
Passionate, sensitive and emotional.
Loving, authentic, frequently frustrated and upset.
She couldn’t communicate effectively with the doctor.
In vain were her desperate efforts to speak
of her secret mercurial world, that lurked just beneath her still veneer.
Volatile.
Others had ears, but could not hear.
Had eyes, but still could not see.
She felt, but no one noticed.
She spoke, but no one heard.
She was present, but invisible to the vision of others.
Unable to connect.
Her struggle was incommunicable.
She cared
But no one seemed to notice.
She was in the world
But the world was too much with her.
Autistic.
Doctors Office:
Scene 1: Enter
The fluorescent lights flicker on and off super fast like a
Lightening storm almost blinding me.
Extreme colors and shapes; Blues, reds, yellows and greens.
So many shades, so much to process…..
New items in a visual splendor
Drawing my attention in every direction.
Furniture displaced; torqued at odd angles
Desk in dishevel; scattered papers from a dumped file folder, perhaps?
Vibrating phone jumping; laptop flickering
In a second disharmonizing light show.
Paperclip on floor; scraps of ends of paper laying on a dirty carpet.
Pen cap sitting next to unfashionably full garbage can.
Familiar sound of lights buzzing.
An elevator roars up and down
People talking; some laughing, some yelling.
Clicking of heels seemingly emerging from everywhere
A shriek; security alarm… code…
Clambering and bustling in hallway.
Clock tick, tick, ticking
Sounds of construction off in far distance
Machines irritating electronic buzz
The slam of a door next to me.
Sound…
Trapping me in the office;
Feels like a bomb going off in my head.
Uncomfortably stiff chair.
The seat puts me in a painful angle
that leaves my insides seemingly jolting up through my throat.
I cant get comfortable and my abdomen and chest hurt.
Anxiety mixes with extreme discomfort; I wiggle and shift
Desperately trying to rearrange myself so that I can endure
The brief meeting
Panic-- heart starts to race,
Feels like its beating out of my chest…
I now hear not only the doctors breathing and heart beat,
But my own vitality thumping
In deafening tones.
New smell-- unfamiliar
No longer the scent of horrible Thai take-out in the hallway.
No longer the putrid odor in the waiting room of urine mixed with un-bathed human sweat.
The reek of foul gone… now…nothing…
A slight fragrance of cleanliness.
Psychiatrist speaks:
I’m aware that she’s there.
I’m just so bombarded by my senses that it seems hard to respond.
Mouth dry. Everything seems so overwhelming.
Plane flying over the building,
while her words go over my head.
Lost, unfocused, sad.
Scene 2:Appearance
“Look me in the eye.”
Belt un-centered, shirt turned slightly to the left, not in line with pants.
Pant leg wrinkled; one leg of pant caught up on sock
or perhaps top of shoe.
Shoes scuffed and not polished.
Hair on head displaced, maybe from wind?
1 hair of eyebrow standing on end at weird, unnatural position
1 hair of eyebrow in center of forehead, failed to be plucked.
Freckles on face and arms, 14, I think
Ears and nose dreadfully average; spot of wax in right ear
Oval shaped face, boring and plain.
Flecks of colors in eyes
Slight hint of blood shot in whites
Eyes constantly flickering
Repeated blinking many times a minute.
Strange twitching in skin above upper cheek bone
Eyebrows lift
Smacking noise as lips open and close to speak.
An almost clucking sound joins the serenade of words emerging from mouth.
Make-up guilds the person within
Who am I really seeing… I wonder?
An image of an entity is projected onto me
Can this superficial appearance be the totality of the individual
That I drove 3 hours to meet?
Curious… words… dispense.
Eyes twitch and look away
As she states: : “Trust me.”
Unusual posture.
“Look me in the eye.” she says
What’s so interesting about eye balls, I wonder?
Confusion. And so therapy begins.
Eyes judging.
“When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you.”-- Nietzsche
Broken Heart
Broken hearted, I climb into the cab.
Realizing our love is a hopeless endeavor.
Out of town I go.
Keeping my distance from the reality of lack.
Everything reminds me of you being gone.
Never did I imagine my sadness would win.
Hope dissipates into incoherence, life is tough.
Endings invite a possibility for a new future.
Arbitrary panorama.
Rifts of a tune play on the radio of the car.
Taking me away from the memory of you, fresh start.
Crossroads
Lessing’s Ditch…
The automaton doctor tells me that
he’s very sorry…. There’s nothing more
that he can do.
---floccinaucinihilipilification ---!?!
Angry.
How can I be dying in only
my 3rd decade of life?
The troglodyte reaches out his hand,
and asks me if I have someone to speak to…
like a priest or rabbi?
I stare blankly at the wall,
Not knowing what to say.
A Pascal-ian Wager doesn’t necessitate
regular church attendance.
I am alone and scared.
The pain is unwelewable
Not knowing what to do;
I walk away _____leaving
the office with nowhere to turn.
Footprints in the snow,
Marking the path where I have been.
The possibility of being no longer?
The winter of my life.
I approach a
Quatrefoils
But can not turn back.
So cold is reality…so cold.
Be still my heart.
And so the final bell tolls…
Upon my door
a wreath will be hung;
My body laid to rest.
How does one process
such a predicament?
Could any logic detach the
deeply seeded emotions
connected to this, my situation?
I face my own mortality…
My soul weeps.
I wasn’t ready for this crossroad.
Mom says pray for a miracle.
I just cant seem to place my faith
so far away.
With palloduous stare,
A single tear falls from my eye.
Flip Flops on a Sandy Beach:
Life…
Spoken, breath
Without sound
Entertaining harmony and grace
Beauty once prevailed
Moments end
Reflections distorted
Images mirrored
Clarity removed
Unseen merging
Grave reality
Be not proud
Unbecoming…
Death.
Death…
Unbecoming
Proud not be
Reality grave
Merging unseen
Removed clarity
Mirrored images
Distorted reflections
End moments
Prevailed once beauty
Grace and harmony entertaining
Sound without
Breath, spoken…
Life.
My sun, My Moon, My Stars
With sorrows song, I slowly saw a hope slithering away.
Fated frontiers, following years of fears… fading fast.
Daunting dark matter, drearily damaging the memories of you.
Angry red dwarf, God, readily rocketing through my heart.
Particles piecing together the plethora of journeys we embarked.
Like a supernova I will flee, but first I lovingly launch a final solar flare.
Into spaces unknown, we have flown; Black hole of my despair.
Social Skills Coach,
Thank you so much for working with me today. I very much enjoyed the unorthodox introduction of social skills training. I'm very excited about the prospect of learning to better regulate my social behavior and work on gaining a basic proficiency in understanding social norms. I am glad that it is you working with me, because I feel that you are quite patient with my odd learning styles and social anxiety.
These are the 12 basic things I took away from today's introduction:
(1) I have to be realistic in my expectations of potential friends.
(2) Relationships can be complicated, confusing and frustrating to navigate, even for a socially intelligent individual
(3) Sometimes excusing oneself politely and leaving a situation when I feel the impulse to be rude is: OK.
(4) I can be assertive without being dominant. And can talk with a person not at them. I can also learn to detect cues, with work in therapy, to recognize when an individual is disinterested in the topic or wants to leave.
(5) I don’t have to tolerate rude or abusive behavior. My Instructor says I am a good person.
(6) I have empathy. Some therapists may not, and may say hateful inaccurate things to their clients. The best course of action when encountering negative people is to move on and not take their cruelty to heart. It is a good practice to actively seek out and check with a more viable and trusted source as to the appropriateness of an accusation made by a professional. Some discretion may be advised , and checking with a trusted friend is sometimes necessary.
(7) Miscommunication happens.
(8) I need to be patient with others and try to understand the importance of their point of view, interests, and experiences.
(9) I must tolerate "small talk" and social façades; especially if I expect others to be tolerant of my idiosyncrasies.
(10) Some people can be very closed minded and think of the world as black and white. Individuals that believe autism is something that needs to be "cured", may not be capable of viewing a reality outside of themselves. I can be different but equal and embrace my subtle differences while still engaging and appreciating others. Autism doesn't make me less. Some individuals with "theory of mind" are really projecting themselves onto others (yuck! I feel so invaded on by being projected on... kidding) and may have poor boundaries and closed minds. Understanding that when I am looking at a pair of eyes a pair of eyes are looking back at me (theoretically speaking). And as Nietzsche once said: "when you stare into an abyss, the abyss stares back at you".
(11) Social skills training is a means by which I can learn more adaptive measures to compensate for areas that I am weak in.
(12) Social skills therapy is a means by which I can increase my self esteem, confidence and skills to productively engage/ communicate with others. Likewise social skills therapy will hopefully reduce my fears of social inadequacy, generalized anxiety, and negative thought patterns involving fear of others hurting or rejecting me. Ideally I can learn to moderate my behavior in a more socially acceptable manner to have more fulfilling relationships and therefore a better life in general.
Questions I have:
(1) When do we meet again? I'm excited about this prospect.
(2) Could we have more structured goals and a set of "rules" for conduct so I don’t stray from the path of improvement?
(3) What's so interesting about eye balls?
(4) Why do people find lying necessary? Lying destroys trust. It breaks down communication. Communication is the primary bond by which we humans survive. Isn't lying like the worst because it damages the bond between man and man, causes a breakdown of trust, and there for ultimately leads to the demise of our own species? I don’t understand lies. I think accurate communication is difficult enough without throwing a curve ball/ monkey wrench in the whole ordeal. I like literal.
Thanks again for your help. I appreciate you. Peace out!
Sherry
Friend,
Unfortunately that seems to be a common theme in human history. It seems far too often that our species rewards antisocial and destructive behavior. We humans beget openly, but sometimes distrait we are tender.
Of all the primates, I think ours is the most savage. Humans are the solitary mortals truly capable of volition consciousness. Our frontal lobes/ cortex enables us to effectively engage in goal oriented behavior, to more efficiently predict scenarios and plausible outcomes, to learn from other humans that existed thousands of generations before. We are a species that has evolved by sacrifice, and by placing the future of all humans above our own individual selfishness.
And yet, here stands yet another fatuous example of humans missing the mark.
Turning on those who sacrificed resources for him, Wagner idealizes a faction that seeks to destroy anything perceived as "different". Fascists often get stuck in black and white thinking and miss the full amazing and colorful spectrum of human potential. Embracing each subtle difference, each individuals possible role in a harmonious relationship; The cog in the wheel was not broke, only the exclusion of very important parts seems wrong.
Embracing differences. Embracing sacrifices. Seeing the uttermost importance in the privileges of encountering and experiencing life. I once heard a quote that said:" the times of peace are the empty pages of history". Perhaps the times of peace are when we actually are living? When we are so engulfed in the immediacy of the moment, so involved in life, in action, in love.... that we find no need to scribe warnings to our future children.
Wagner bit the hand that fed him. He turned and made a mockery of those that loved him best. Just as Freud turned on his teachers. Angry Nietzsche turned on humanity whom he'd felt wronged him and forced him to war and incur an incurable illness. Goethe turned on every woman that loved him. The lists of human betrayal are seemingly endless.
At best, I guess, we can strive to rise above selfishness, malice, destructive or impulsive behavior. We can aspire to be loving and tolerant of one another. We can aim for moral behavior. But how far does this lead, dear Friend?
In a nation that is intolerant of anyone that is perceived as abnormal, how does one rise above?
How do us mere mortals strive for a better relationship with Other, with the world, with god?
With ever growing numbers of sociopaths; and neurotypicals constantly embracing deceit and assimilating different with bad.. . How do we rise above the hate to find common ground?
How does a simple girl appreciate the life and help she has been given? So I don’t fall into the immoral trap of a ignorant creep like Wagner?
Like a ship adrift at sea, with no known destination.... how do we transcend beyond our own brute nature?
Hummm.... the ubiquitous stuff of life surrounds me, I ponder.... I, the Grand Inquisitor.... ask questions of a world, of a creator I can only see the effects of his existence and wonder. I hear only a still voice.... in silence waiting.... a woman in waiting... in the matrix of.... a Word.
Sherry
Friend,
Lol.
I think the moral threads of the people here have come unwound. The locals have been riding a hedonistic treadmill for so long they appear to be degenerating.
Ohio promotes superficial values and they set their own children up for disaster by promoting unrealistic goals. Putting pleasure seeking and pursuit of happiness above the satisfaction of hard work and education is grounds for a disaster.
I believe that we attain peace of mind, when we see the fruits of a job well done. To truly achieve anything in life, we should have to extend effort. We don’t really respect things that we don’t work hard to attain. After all, do we?
I love that you've chosen education and the betterment of our youth as your goal. Trying to ensure a positive future for young minds and encouraging them to be intelligent, responsible, and moral individuals is awesome. I love that you have dreams and are willing to work towards them.
True enlightenment doesn't seem to come from the lack of suffering, rather it seems to be the bi-product of bearing our burdens with courage and patience. Helping others, sharing, caring. Extending efforts and empathizing with others; this seems to be what life is most about. Love seems to be the reward for our hard work and diligence/ endurance. Love, togetherness, the friendships we embrace.
I so appreciate you being my friend. I value you and your positive drive to educate young minds. I wish more people promoted education and positive paths for a future.
People in Ohio are letting themselves be degraded by false goals of money and power. When the lotto dreams fail, they collapse with no back up plan. Bring realistic in our expectations is such an integral part of human existence. Being authentic and true. Giving thanks to something greater than ourselves is a significant element to being a mature person.
Adapting and not expecting the outside world to mold to our image of acceptable is uber important. Being reasonable and rational that we have to make adjustments, like when fishtailing on a slippery road, is key to success. Peace chickie. Drive safely on this road of life. The path may have a few slippery spots and corkscrew turns, but I have faith that you'll have the strength to endure.
Sherbear
Friend,
Sorry it took me so long to respond. I've been not feeling well, and it's been a long night.
Umm....I must openly admit that I am not familiar with astrology. I struggle with concepts such as fortune telling and predetermination. I also have difficulties with superstitions and outdated efforts humans make to force control over their environment. Because of the latter, I have yet to find a good mentor to assist me in better understanding the purpose underlying astrology. I think that there is most indubitably a solid base present, but could really appreciate a passionate teacher to describe the deeper elements. Would you be willing to share your insights with this hyper logical and pragmatic individual? I am stubborn and literal minded, but I am also open to new ideas that may complement life and understanding others more effectively.
Since childhood, I have had a love of building bridges. I am naturally interested in bridging gaps. In particular, I feel drawn to examining ways in which chasms disparate findings and theoretical constructs may parallel, complement and ultimately fertilize one another.
Religion and I have a love-hate relationship. Although I extremely dislike conflict and aspire to a harmonious and balanced life… I simultaneously do not like any attempts from others, to impose “shoulds” and “have-to’s”. I find absolute systems of rules arbitrary and simply unfair. I have a tendency to rail against words that imply that a value system can be imposed from the outside. I have a predisposed tendency to bristle at the idea of placing a unique human being into a “box”. I believe that sentient beings need to preserve a sense of Gestalt (the whole is equal to more than the mechanical sum of the parts), because we are authentic and evermore forming throughout our life.
Although I think that our Self derives from Other, I believe that true morality has to be internalized to be of any worth. Human choice is a slippery slope and our values have to be rooted from within. Volition is a strange beast; it simultaneously frees us from the impulsive world of reactivity, while burdening us with the weightiness of responsibility. I think that there are many paths to human enlightenment and it is up to us, as individuals, to locate the one most appropriate for our needs. I honestly feel that each individual is the author of her own destiny and should be judged based on the choices she makes.
Understanding, or attempting to understand the world, seems to always have been a favorite past time of the reflective thinker. Mankind has pondered, from the beginning of written history, one particular question: Why? We mere mortals demand an answer from the ubiquitous “stuff” of life, and frequently face frustration when the only response is silence. In stillness, the echoing of my own voice resonates a painful reality, that I am forced to create my own meaning and purpose.
In my isolation I dig, unearthing the grief buried deep inside. Sorrow opens her mouth and swallows me whole. The jaws of darkness crunch down devouring all; behold the exploited’s hell (for hell be my indefinite surroundings), my life, this horrid sadness that plagues my very being. Bombarded by a palpable sense of aloneness, nightfall embraces my shadowed soul. Fueled by the pangs of hunger, in wreckage I open my eyes. The endless nightmare of my reality…. I ask questions of a world, a God, that refuses to answer! A sense of nausea appears.
I try so hard, yet I barely have enough to eat and survive. I drive myself forward each day in poverty, in this mortal darkness, earning a pittance too small to even afford my daily bread. With my tears in the darkness falling like rain, the bourgeoisie with endless greed, continue to deliver Carthaginian desolation. What meaning can be derived from my Sisyphean struggle? I roll a boulder up a hill only to see it come crashing back down. My every effort seems futile at best.
I supposedly live in the land of opportunity in a time of indulgences… I am outcast, ostracized, battling for basic needs and medical care. Where is the purpose in this, my Tantalizing predicament? In the ambit of exploitation, I gaze into a deeper understanding of the human world. I suffer, and by embracing this suffering my hunger and thirst are relieved. As I begin to accept my existence I find a strange sort of peace. I live in a world with set boundaries, but am free to make choices within my given parameters. Oddly, I am a paradox… a prisoner in some ways but my volition consciousness and mind allow me to be free!
Without a reliable structure, each woman feels like a passenger on a small vessel, cast upon a sea of shadows, having no compass or sense of direction to guide her away from an approaching storm. Mankind seeks refuge from this helplessness/ hopelessness scenario, and often takes refuge in organized religion.
Rollo May once said: “Myth unites the antinomies of life: conscious and unconscious, historical and present, individual and social… where empirical language refers to objective facts, myth refers to the quintessence of life.” Each mortal goes through the ambivalent struggle to find oneself, for this is rudimentary. For some, organized religion can give an assigned sense of personal identity; religion undergirds moral values, and hence bonds social interests.
Often folks turn to an organized religion to aid them in forming a sense of community. Frequently religious beliefs act as cohesive agents where individuals engage in interpersonal relationships with people that think as they do and believe as they do. The latter in my findings, inevitably frees a believer from the burden of the isolated individual thrust into the world. Or as Jaspers once said: “A ship adrift at sea with no known destination”, predicament.
The fallacy of misplaced concreteness (Whitehead) can be a bitch. So the matter-of-fact, because-I-Said-So rationalizing, that religions like Christianity provide are not always practical. To an artistic (and even an autistic) mind, the forced structure of church can be overwhelming. The hypocrisy and irrational behavior of extremist individuals practicing can be annoying as well.
I do not blame you for separating yourself from organized religion. I think that a unique human entity can be deeply spiritual and have strong faith without attending a meeting or aligning oneself with a particular group. Religion may temporarily escape the cumbersome thrownness of being human, but it does so by formulating a we/they construct which has plagued mankind since the beginning of time. I strongly support you in being the master of your own life.
Be your own woman. Live! Doubt strengthens faith. Be encouraged to question the validity of currently held beliefs. Push the boundaries of the possible. Be encouraged to break down barriers and be your own unique and authentic individual. I see god in a sunset, in a painting, in a child’s eyes. It didn’t take a church to teach me that. I live a moral life because it is my choice. I have learned to suffer with dignity and to never give up. I believe in life, and in Love. Dum Spiro spero (while I breath, I love). Vitam impendere vero, my friend. With Peace…
Sherry
Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditiones habes!
Social Skills Instructor,
I want to apologize that social skills training was not more productive. I'm sorry that I failed to achieve success in our endeavor. I appreciate you and your time. I am grateful for all that you have done for me. Befriending me at a time of need meant a lot. There will always be a place in my heart for you.
I feel lost and confused. For the majority of my life, I have been blessed to know who I was and what I needed to do. Throughout my years a loving path would appear seemingly out of no where. I would see a wrong or injustice and I would intuitively know where my destiny lay. The life of sacrifice and battling wrongs just made sense to me. I found myself in struggle , and found peace shielding/guiding others out of the pits of despair. I never feared darkness, I challenged it.
Today, I feel like I can't restore me. The neurologist has informed me that I will need a gastric pacemaker installed if I am to survive. My doctor has referred me to Mount Carmel. My neurological doctor is stating that a heart pacemaker may be in my near future as well.
I feel frustrated. I don’t know that I want machines to operate my vital organs. I am 33 and my birthday is at the end of the month. I am conflicted as to my options and quality of life is a major concern. My parents are avoiding all discussion on this. I am alone in my decision. My heart feels sick and sad. I don’t want to fight anymore.
I feel tired. I'm not afraid to die, but I am not fond of prolonged suffering. This decision weighs heavily on my heart. I have been able to depend on my own inner strength (or more realistically gods strength that was entrusted in me, for all grace and credit belong to something much greater than my small self), but I feel weak now. I followed an inner light for years but tonight it seems to be burning out. Is it normal to feel like this, Friend?
I guess that is an unfair question to posit to a muse, with a song in his heart. Your merits have been appreciated and your council has been received with gratitude.
I will need a month or so to try to re-center myself and settle this entire pacemaker predicament.
I guess since I flunked out of social skills, the latter has nothing to do with you. I just needed to write to someone. I'm sorry that you got upset with me. I'm more sorry that I'm not socially intelligent enough to understand why. I am often clueless when it comes to interpersonal interactions and their intricacies.
I don’t understand why you seemed upset and asked if I was somehow Jewish . Of course I am not! I have never had a desire to align myself with such a restricting organization. I am my own entity, I answer only to my maker. I am eccentric and unique. I follow my heart and Love.
I will return to my meditations now and soul searching. Hopefully I can restore my sense of self and heal my mind. So that I can make more rational decisions regarding my physical health.
May peace be with you.
Sherry
Friend,
I am flattered by your compliments. I'm not certain about what you mean by my problem being: "How I see myself". I know myself, because this is a necessity to do what I must. Confusing. Knowing myself has not helped me understand others.
I seem to be an alien here on my native earth. Others think and interact on quite an alternative plain than myself. Its why I sought an intermediary point, you, to help bridge the gap. I can not effectively communicate with others, or even my own parents, I am alone. I had hopes that an extremely socially intelligent individual might have insight to help me adapt.
As for synagogue, I must reiterate I was only a visitor a few times. I was in awe of the amazing architecture and beauty of the sun coming through the colored glass. I loved the food and the library. I was enchanted by hearing a man chant that could be heard throughout the hallways. I didn't understand the context of the meetings. The people near me had to tell me when to stand up and when to sit down. The teachings were in some strange language. I just liked being included and liked the building and food.
I learn from literature/ books. I have a strange memory for what I read and encounter. I have a hard time connecting what I have seen in theory with what is actually practiced. I saw no connection in the people at synagogues behavior with what is taught in Torah. Sadly, I am an extreme disappointment in this area. (I often failed to likewise see a connection with practicing Christians, Muslims , Buddhists.... I find some folks that act as they claim they believe... but the majority of practicing people seemed kind of cruel and superficial at their core. But that was just my outsiders impression.)
I only know what I believe. I have spent a lifetime seeking others with a different kind of faith. I have sought others who had more in common with me on any regard. It saddens me when the best commonality I can come up with between two individuals are things like: similar location, both like chocolate, or the color blue. My heart has longed for a deeper connection with others.
My parents are very different from me. That's why I've needed to live on my own. Communicating with individuals who don’t appear to care is difficult. My folks avoid everything. This saddens my heart.
I appreciate your response. The Student needs to flourish. She is a beautiful individual at the beginning of a hopefully rewarding career. I appreciate the kindness you have shown me, Friend. Writing, sadly, is the medium I function best at. I was happy meeting and talking with you, I find happiness in your thinking patterns and expressions. I admire the wisdom that has crept its way into the entity known as: Friend.
Gotta go. Peace.
Sherry
Friend,
I guess what disturbed me was that we speak in generalities but live in specifics. How many Arabs would need to die to satiate the boys desire for violence? Would the death of my friend Tamen (incidentally a Saudi Arabian soldier, a practicing Muslim, and one of the kindest souls I've ever met) and the murdering of his family be enough? This is a tantalizing predicament, I do believe...
What would be achieved by brutally murdering human life? And who would be the next scapegoat for all the boys problems when the Arabs were dead? (Also the entire statement becomes a double edged razor... do the "Arabs" include the Israelites, because they too are genetically from the same ancestry???) Where does the line get drawn in the sand??? How much destruction of human life is necessary for a man to be happy?
In this Sisyphean struggle that we call life, so much is left to uncertainty and grayness. What is right and what is wrong? can an individual perspective ever be certain of the validity of belief? Misplaced concreteness and the fallacy of matter of fact reasoning can so easily occur. Life is so complex!
Suffering and sadness have been irreversibly connected to my being. I am bound by a sense of responsibility. Augenblick! I often find myself standing with my back at the base of a sycamore tree, facing and looking at a chestnut tree. Just wondering how seeds can grow into something so overwhelming and powerful!
A seed of an idea begins to bud. I honestly believe that a mans life is not mine to take, even if he has done me horrible harm. I am an oddity. I praise justice but am very careful to not take justice into my own hands. I remind myself constantly to be mindful that feelings cloud better judgment. Emotionally charged situations that are too close to me, will prompt me to use impulse rather than logic in my decision making process.
I ask myself constantly, who am I to destroy something as precious as an authentic human being? Am I so entitled that I could ever believe I had the right to condemn any man, much less judge one whose choices and deeds were unknown to me? Am I so naive to think that I don’t bear the burdens of my own faults and uncertainties? How can I judge another with my limited perspective and fallible sense of reality?
I guess I was just raised weird. My grandfather was a WWII hero that went back to Germany with the Americans, to see if any of our family had survived. My father hung out with an old writer/ Nazi propagandist, Mrs. Puccitarri, when I was little (she was scary). I've known two of the kindest, sweetest, most sensitive men in the world that were survivors of Jewish camps. I befriended a former Nazi soldier who ran a boys camp, Henry, who had been raised in fear. Hatred and suffering were very real to the old ones I grew up around. The reality of the experiences of my elders drastically molded my view of the world.
For Hitler, the death of 6 million individuals weren't enough to satiate his desire to blame others for his problems. Who cares about "his struggle" in comparison to the magnitude of suffering he caused? How much suffering will the boy have to cause , to be satisfied?
No amount of violence or vengeance will bring back a human life lost. I guess I'm not expressing myself very well tonight, but... I just feel sick and sad about the harsh judgments and anger a child can display. If he was a descendant of the Ashkenazi (nazi =people; kennen =to know; ash =supreme or single leader?), then did he learn nothing from the experiences of his family? Has the past been forgotten so quickly?
Hatred knows no bounds. It destroys generation after generation. Hatred destroys the individual. I feel disgusted that we humans never learn. When we forget history, we are condemned to repeat it. (I will here note that the sorrow of my now deceased friends and family is not my sorrow. my sadness is from my own personal suffering, I only empathize and understood the nature of what they endured.)
My heart longs for peace, my brain thinks its highly unlikely to occur during my lifetime. The latter leaves me uneasy.
So much lost life. So much wasted potential. If I don’t like someone, I deny them the privilege of access to me. With 7 billion humans on earth, I'm free to find a friend I do appreciate, to spend my time with. I find the destruction of an entity beyond my capacity.
I was a great fighter, and with that power came responsibility. I just can't fathom senseless death. I've lost too many loved ones in my lifetime and have experienced too much abuse to conceive such impulsive behavior. Survival is hard enough, killing just to kill is beyond me.
I don’t know if this rant at all makes sense, I just again, am uneasy about the entire concept of the story of the little boy and the bazooka.
Sherry
Friend,
I mostly come from an existentialist education. "Feel good" philosophy is a not quite!
Responsibility and choices were primary in my families teaching. The personal demands on me as a child were extreme. Little to none of my childhood had to do with fun. I have had a very hard life and know better than most the evil that lurks in the minds of some people. I have been subjected to evil for years.
My life philosophy was based on suicide as the ultimate example of human freedom. I honestly believe that when faced with inimical and seemingly insurmountable circumstances, we often feel as though we have no options. If I introduce suicide as an option when I believe there are no choices... then why am I to not assume there are more alternative solutions. You see, I am insane! I am of the opinion that problems need only to be reframed and that I require an alternative approach to dealing with them. I never expect my path to be easy or to lack pain/ suffering. I am survival based.
I believe criminals should be prosecuted, if not for the sake of others then for their own sake. However, I don’t believe that I have a right to seek vengeance for my own personal wrongs that I have endured. I shielded people for years. I was called "the nemesis". At my peak, I was incredibly dangerous. I sacrificed when necessary.
Unlike you, dear Friend, I bear the burden of causing brain damage to a man and seriously injuring several others. Although the permanent harm was done in a ring, I hurt people because I stopped caring. I wanted men that I perceived as "bad" to suffer. I have had to live with the guilt associated with destroying others.
I understand that males have aggression. And what I was looking at, wasn't actually the child! I was viewing myself and simultaneously learning more about you.
My entire family on my moms side, are soldiers. We are hunters, teachers, healers. I am a direct descendent on ancient Europeans who have been escaping efforts to erase us, since the last ice age. My family has always endured hardships with courage and patience.
On this, desire for violence, we will have to agree to disagree, Friend. I think the cycle of vengeance never ends and that it destroys everyone absolutely.
I like you Friend. But I don’t like your aggression. Please be respectful that I am a survivor. Also, I realize this is demanding, but...could you attempt to recognize that I am a 33 year old girl that is dying from a horrible genetic defect. I am feeling powerless and sad. Hopelessness is frequently occurring. Hearing about mans hate, doesn't make this woman very happy. I think boys should want to make girls happy; boys can keep immature desires for annihilation amongst themselves.
I will make desperate efforts to avoid topics of this nature, so we don’t collide. I'd love for our friendship to be based on common interests and be as positive as possible. I enjoy learning positive things from you and how to communicate in better ways.
I'm sorry if this offends you.
****Part of Letter Omitted*******
I've moved to what I consider hell, to be poverty stricken with no resources. People verbally attack me daily and call me names (not to mention locals stole from me, physically assaulted me twice and continue to deny me work and assistance). Almost nothing in this part of Ohio operates legitimate, most organizations set up here are just funding for addicts and thieves. And on top of everything else I'm an autistic that's dying of autonomic failure with no help and no hope to ease my suffering. I desperately need compassion, dude. I got more than enough negative in my life. I was born into negative. Please!
Its late. Night!
Sherry
