Friends letters 4

Friend,

Never be afraid, when you have friends like me. I am here for you, and will be available untill my dying breath. I am loyal to a fault. You are always welcome to reach out when you have time.

As for running out of things to say, my young friend, you still have a lot to learn. Worry not. Perhaps someday you will learn to wonder at the mundane. I once subjected a professor of mine, in a graduate class at UB, to a 25 page dissertation on a blade of grass.

I wish I was kidding. I used the microcosm to prove a macrocosmic point. I demonstrated that we live in specifics but speak in generalities.

My entire foundation was that we ignore the minutae of life and therefore are condemned to be imprisoned within ourselves. When man becomes unable to see the beauty and wonder of other living beings on earth, he was ultimately lost his humanity.

When a man's hubris leads him to lose the capacity of empathising with the struggles of other, thus ultimately denying himself the sheer joy and comfort of escaping the loneliness and thrownness of volition consciousness; then this man has unwittingly killed himself.

Identity and our sense of self is created from Other and our relationship to other.

I argued that there is a very real and concrete reality (umwelt) that is far too often cast out for superficial acceptance. That man sacrifices his identity and freedom, for hollow pursuits of fleeting objects and short lived relationships.

 I projected my own self onto the blade of grass, demonstrating how a single blade of grass both existed on its own, and in relationship to all of the other blades of grass. Adding to the field, never taking more than it needed to survive. I showed that it's very nature made it complete and whole, never lacking.

My final conclusion was, as you may guess, that narcissistic tendencies propel otherwise sentient beings to become more like barren deserts where nothing fertile can grow.

No amount of food could fill the hollow man's hunger. No amount of drink could quench his thirst. Nothing could survive a man hell-bent on destruction. When a man loses himself, what hope can be left?

My argument went full circle to man returning to his roots, finding when he first was lost, leaving complacency and hollow pursuits, and restoring his true place amongst nature.

I encouraged a return to being a blade of grass, simple and pure. And if one could not be a blade of grass, perhaps we mere mortals should at least wonder at the miracle of life and the blessings of our freedom of awareness and choice.

I was much more graceful in my writing back then, and more focused on my passions. Sadly the professor had no sense of humour and called me an asshole and failed me. The paper was later published by a philosophy professor at the school. I guess there are silver linings to some clouds?

Long story long, you can speak about anything with me. I am here for you. Even if you just want to share a pic of yourself post a long day; or chat about a great lunch... I am here for you. Except when I'm at Renaissance festival. Because this is my sacred silly time on weekends until the end of October. But I'm really still here, just in a delayed untill Monday sort of way (sherry smiles... I attached some pics of my last 2 weekend games).

As for what I've been doing... I had another ugly legal battle with the state of Ohio. Lawyers representing my insurance company and job and family services squared off with me in court. I now have won 11 straight civil rights cases against the state of Ohio. Sad.

The constant fighting for basic human rights and simple medical care takes a toll on my physical body.

Im exhausted from fighting for my life. I can't imagine how other autistics and less fortunate individuals survive these horrendous battles. I had to call in a favour from the Ohio governor's office and resort to some pretty nasty new York tactics to win, this time.

I'm not sure how many more battles this old fighter has left in her. I guess that is my purpose in life... To fight. A warrior's heart to the bitter end...

Tell me how things are going with you? Are you still in school?

It's been so long, I can't imagine how many adventures you must have had. I miss your openness and capacity for thought. I hope to hear back from you...



Friend,

 I'm kind of in a weird situation... OSU ran a bunch of tests Tuesday night and contacted me at midnight (24 hours ago) telling me to go to the ER immediately. Apparently my potassium levels dropped to critical levels as did my sodium levels. I refused to go, and have spent the day discussing what other course of action can be taken to avoid all out hospitalisation.

Regarding the blade of grass... I should probably give you some background information.

The class was social psychology for professionals. It was unfortunately taught by a highly narcissistic professor who suffered from an extreme case of affluenza. His entitlement issues were astronomical and disturbing to say the least.

The professor used the class to promote himself and his books that he had written. He believed that money begot money because it was the natural order of the world. He was highly masoginistic and staunchly promoted democracy. Unfortunately every time he said democracy, I heard aristocracy. The man actually appeared to believe that 1%' ers like his family, were born better and deserved wealth and power, whilst others struggled because they were some how inferior. (Of course this is the antithesis of our nations forefathers intent when they created a democracy. The experiment of democracy was supposed to entail a balance of power, include the voices of the people and embrace differences. Originally our nations creators imagined a country where merit/effort was required to earn wealth, and man was supposedly going to be judged on his choices, not on some inherent goodness that didn't correspond with his real world behaviour).

Although my former professor used words like transparency, I repeatedly recognized that he was obscuring the truth as often as possible and continuously promoting dangerous propaganda. He spoke of openness and tolerance when he was intolerant of any beliefs not in alliance with his own. The psychology professor was quick to label "haters", while he perpetuated violence against any that did not share his opinions.

The professor frequently singled me out in classes and targeted me because I was different. He attacked me for the majority of the semester.

The paper about a blade of grass was my vehement rejection of the professor and his primitive and archaic system of beliefs. I took the approach of humanistic and existential psychologists as my base and factored in annoying tidbits of Marxist theories. I think the paper even included a few Trotsky and Beauvoir reference digs.

I totally knew that the professor was going to fail me. That's why the paper was placed with his snide remarks, in the hands of senior professors at the university capable of waging war on him. I wasn't fond of the professor and I really disliked his behaviour.

I suppose w/o dredging up the original, there's no way that you could embrace the full level of ass-hole-ness that I used to stoop to. I only referenced this old silly embarkment of mine, to help show you that even the simplest of things can be interesting.

I suppose in hindsight it was a poor choice to refer to this. Perhaps we could embark on deeper discussions once I have recovered a touch?

I love our differences in beliefs. You truly are an amazing email pal for me, because you remind me to embrace differences and appreciate the multifaceted views and experiences that each individual brings to a discussion.

Sometimes I get frustrated and retreat into my own world. I forget to look around me and remember how awesome people like you are.

I hope we can be more diligent and have friendly conversations at least a few times a month? I truly appreciate you.

　

　

　
Friend,

Actually the professor was "The Liberal", and I, "The Conservative".

His particular brand of extreme liberalism brings him full circle back around to the oppression of the masses. I was repeatedly reminded of the old Martin Shulman quote: "...[H]ad the word goodness in his mouth, and a bloody knife between his teeth".

I was the representative of a very conservative "old" way of thinking. I believe that we should be held accountable for our actions. That government should step back. And that federal government is not a parental replacement for adults unwilling to act their age. I believe that government should respect their adult citizens and leave them to live their lives in relative peace.

See, I am the evil of the liberals. I think a wo/man should be defined by her/his choices. I think that we should find solace in our work and be permitted to seek love and happiness. I think that goals should be realistic.

I cringe every time this nation enables illegal immigration, because I remember hearing about the hardships and pride that people had, as they transitioned into becoming American. I thought that this realistic struggle was imperative to understanding that being American isn't all rainbows and butterflies. Quite often being American means standing in endless lines and paying fees that no-one can even figure out what they are, much less why you have to pay them.

I loathe the American education system because it promotes mediocracy. We put down children with gifts in order to rise up disinterested students. I think that teachers in America are generally lazy. A teacher should be able to excite and encourage their students, and help each student learn and grow in her/his own way.

I am for a total revamp of our educational system where children would be tested by the 3rd grade for aptitudes and interests. Then seperated into different schools. I think again in 7th grade or so, there should be further testing for aptitudes and interests to increase the degree of specialization of education.

I believe that far too often this country gives kids unrealistic goals. A child with a 70 IQ shouldn't be told he is going to be a doctor or a lawyer some day. This is cruel and irrational.

I've met many people with amazing abilities that were put down for their gifts and interests.

I recall one young man in high school by the 8th grade could accurately diagnose most car problems simply by hearing the car run, and taking a quick glance under the hood.

Kevin was truly remarkable. His gift was unparalleled, yet the school pushed this mediocre student in reading and science to excel in S.T.E.M. and abandon his passion with cars. The school failed him by refusing to accept his amazing gift and by denying him his passions they failed to advance him further.

I thought that Kevin should have been the best mechanic he could be and that we should be proud to have such an upstanding and gifted citizen in our midst. The school told him to raise his goals and standards. He dropped out of school at 18, still only in the 8th grade, and died of a drug overdose 5 years later.

I think that people set unrealistic goals for kids and ultimately set students up for failure.

My beliefs are odd. I was raised by a very old family. The professor picked up on my being different from the start. I'm guessing the female boxer thing wasn't much to his liking. Then take conservative values, and throw in the aspie girl part.... In hindsight it's no wonder why he hated me.

I am reminded of an extremely traumatizing incident that occurred in class one day. I was having a bad time when the professor started in on me, which led to me exploding on him in class. The professor called me a Nazi, because I could understand German. I was having a particularly bad day and had just attended a funeral of one of my beloved family members. His annoying ignorance pushed me off the deep end. I exploded on him and informed him that although I indeed was part of "the people", I had nothing to do with the old 1900's depression era german "People's Party".

My mom's maiden name was Gross. My great grandparents had barely escaped Germany with their lives. My grandfather was a war hero that returned to Europe with the Americans to see if any of our family had survived. I snarled at the professor in front of roughly 500 other students in class that ignorance was bliss. Some of the Jews slaughtered in the Holocaust were also German, and that the Ashkenazi Jews that escaped did not lose their German ancestry as they entered American soil. My family converted to Christianity, married Americans and integrated. I spoke German because my elders insisted that I learn. My family lived under the adage: "never again".

I then stormed out of the large conference room. The professor followed me and apologized. This incident really didn't improve our relationship. The young professor tended to make judgements w/o facts or evidence. That is why I actually took action against him. I felt that he was dangerous.

I was 13 when I first read Sun Tzu: "The art of war". Sun Tzu taught: Learn thy enemy, as thyself. I spent the entire class learning the professors beliefs, his rationalisations (or lack thereof). I learned his whys and his how's. By the end I probably knew this professor better than he knew himself. I understood his liberalism because I became it, in order to grow to surpass it. I had used this same technique in fighting hand to hand combat millions of times prior.

The senior professors that I screwed him over with, were also liberals. The university was full of liberals. I found people that could appreciate my abilities and my unique capacity for reason. I provided them with a rational case, and with the documentation that they needed to deal with their coworker. I then walked away and allowed the liberal older professors to deal with the extremist themselves. The kid was ignorant and prejudice. He got eaten alive by his own kind. His "people", the liberal professors, stopped him because he was ultimately harming their cause. I didn't destroy him, he ultimately destroyed himself.

Sometimes the right path isn't easy and it isn't always clear.

I frequently walked alone. Standing against true injustice is never easy. And quite frequently it is difficult to decide what really is an injustice vs simply a highly manipulative propaganda that will lead to the destruction of human life.

I will stand to be judged for my choices in my life, as we all will. I am odd. I trained in ghettos and never saw the colour of another's skin, only the quality of the individual before me. I didn't see money and fame as holding any real value. I was comfortable engaging with people from many different walks of life, and loved learning about the amazing ways that some humans have adapted for survival.

I believe in love. And when individuals are lucky enough to find love, I am happy for them. I especially enjoyed being invited to different places of worship, because oddly I feel a deep sense of inspiration in temples, mosques, churches and houses of God. I live in a constant state of wonder.

I enjoy diversity, because what fun would life be if we were all the same (not to mention our species would have gone extinct long ago if we were such a simple set of beings). I suppose in some ways I even enjoy opposition, especially in friendly competition, because I'm a fighter and warrior at heart.

I suppose this probably isn't what you wanted to hear? That I'm extreme because I stand against mainstream? Jeff is actually far more liberal than me, a fact to which is probably quite disappointing to an outstanding young man such as yourself.

I am literal. My mind is hard wired strangely. I need facts and data in order to make decisions. I'm not great with chaos or anarchy. I like structure and moderation. I find comfort in dependable environments and am frustrated when people are dishonest or cruel.

I guess this rant has gone long enough.


Hey friend,

I wanted to thank you for being strong and staying up with me the last few nights (Wednesday and Thursday). You truly got me through a very difficult time. The hospital would not have been bearable had you not been by my side, via phone contact.

You are an awesome trooper. Chatting with me like you did really helped me endure some pretty horrible treatments. Im not sure I would have tolerated the stay as well as I did, had you not been talking to me. I wanted you to know how special you are.

I was in critical condition, and honestly beyond stressed by sensory overload. While we chatted I calmed down and started to relax. You helped me to feel not alone. I am truly blessed to have a friend like you. Your sacrifice was beyond appreciated.

Your physical presence wasn't half as important as the emotional presence you provided me with. My family was forced to leave by midnight, due to my severity. But hospital staff saw how amazing you were for helping me, and encouraged the phone contact. You helped me to stay calm.

Thank you so much. Your nighttime conversations on Wednesday and Thursday helped keep me alive.

My potassium was 2.5 and my sodium levels were barely holding. My blood pressure was 245/180, heart rate almost 200 BPM, and I had abnormal EKG and other tests showed abnormal.

When I communicated with you, nurses observed my blood pressure and heart rate reducing and stabilizing. My blood pressure went down to 185/135 and heart rate dropped below 140 BPM, while I communicated with you. That's a pretty awesome deviation.

Thank you for being there for me. And just speaking with me like I was a human being.

And even moreso... Thank you for caring. You are a blessing for me, young Mr Harry.

I am home and recovering well. I will most likely be my bouncing hyper self by later today. I'm only a little bummed that I can't go to the festivals this weekend (Renaissance or Oktoberfest at fairgrounds in Columbus).

I appreciate you. Forever in my heart,