I took the weight of the world upon my shoulders. Nasty and cruel intentions were put onto me, that I could not escape. Every flaw was emphasized from my observable human functioning. Like a fine toothed comb I was gone over by, passed by and brushed through. My experience warranted no true interest but to criticize. I am intellectually indigestible--disheartened in movement--ultimately…unwanted.
I longed for my own Being and even violated it egregiously, whenever my occasions demanded. I led an unfettered life, except for those paralytic times when mom and dad’s rules were unalterably enforced. I was suddenly visited by the most remorseful sense of my own headlong folly, and the most adorning grateful sentient of the Divine-long suffering.
I was fearing as my parents did, that my imprudent escapades would lead to injury or death. My parents would implore impetuous me to slow down, be careful, be good. I wasn’t malicious, but I wasn’t obedient. I was remorseful after my narrow escapades, but how much to the more I suffer now, at my own misjudgment, my own wildness. I am bloody and charred. I feel ashamed whenever I disappoint my parents…I feel so wounded when they worry and grieve in disapproval. I have been exulted the role of family rebel, now becoming the focus of the families constant attention and pity.
At times I’ve been ruthlessly intelligent--calm and collective. I tried not to feel too much, to shut myself down. Emotions could intrude on my primary objective, for it had the liberty of its own beginning and its own end. So, I was separate and disassociated from it. I was a stabilizing source of actuality that could sacrifice the parts for the sake of the whole. I was the hallmark of tyranny--I would use who and what I could to obtain a goal--I was a God. I cried for a savior and I didn’t care the cost. So…I felt obligated to be just that, and provide what I lacked the experience of, for my fellow man…I would become the saving grace on an individual’s level (high and lofty I know but…).
Humans have been making unhappy judgments for centuries, so why shouldn’t I? Why can’t I knock on heavens door, and if left unanswered barge through the entrance letting myself in, assuming the acceptance that I am always permitted. Who cares what another thinks, right? Closed doors are for cowards, right? Portal obstructions are not there to keep me out--but, rather only unwanted--uninvited others! I’m always welcome into paradise--because I said so…
Shakespeare’s Hamlet expressed the accepting belief that, “There is nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so”. If this happier alternative has been known for so long, then why hasn’t it been followed?
The lesson is that we have been thoroughly indoctrinated in right/wrong, good/bad thinking. It is a natural thinking stage for children to pass through, and for adults to question. Most of us incorporated many such messages in our childhoods. We fail to see the tyrannical nature if we retain them as adults. For right/wrong, and good/bad judgments about situations and others cause most of us much unhappiness everyday.
I don’t want to be stuck in “conditional” love which usually does not last and is rather manipulative. I personally strive to never feel or think that another’s behavior or action is ever wrong or bad. I can always find some reasoning process to validate and accept what at first glance may seem very wrong.
I have had to learn to reaffirm my beliefs in ways that I may not have consciously wanted. So… I had to change. I had to drop my “shoulds” Everyone lives in their own best interest and when two identical situations arise, no two people chose the same choice for the same reason. I’m not remaining in the stick and blaming game, because I choose to not participate in this silliness.
I self-accept now-- I’m normal-- for me! My emotional reactions are not automatic, they depend on how I think about a particular situation. When I presume an evaluated situation as unsafe--I respond accordingly. Our emotional responses are caused by our thinking about the situation, not by the situation itself. Most of us erroneously believe otherwise. My ultimate belief is in self-responsibility to other.
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