Alienated
“The world is too much with me.” She thought.
As the psychiatrist flatly informs her that Autistics have no feelings.
She lowered her eyes and looked to the ground uncomfortably.
She wiggled the toe of her Velcro sneaker into the doctors carpet
and shrugged her shoulders.
Ode to the misunderstood.
“Sadness."
Yes, that’s what she felt, as she writhed her hands insecurely
and made a sucking motion with her mouth. She felt sad and angry.
Misunderstood and rejected.
Silence…
The silence seemed to remove all of the air from the room.
It was as though, there was no breath to be had.
She felt the very essence of her being had been torn from her mortal body,
And stomped on by the doctors insincerity.
Alone…
The world could not see her for what she really was:
Passionate, sensitive and emotional.
Loving, authentic, frequently frustrated and upset.
She couldn’t communicate effectively with the doctor.
In vain were her desperate efforts to speak
of her secret mercurial world, that lurked just beneath her still veneer.
Volatile.
Others had ears, but could not hear.
Had eyes, but still could not see.
She felt, but no one noticed.
She spoke, but no one heard.
She was present, but invisible to the vision of others.
Unable to connect.
Her struggle was incommunicable.
She cared
But no one seemed to notice.
She was in the world
But the world was too much with her.
Autistic.
Doctors Office:
Scene 1: Enter
The fluorescent lights flicker on and off super fast like a
Lightening storm almost blinding me.
Extreme colors and shapes; Blues, reds, yellows and greens.
So many shades, so much to process…..
New items in a visual splendor
Drawing my attention in every direction.
Furniture displaced; torqued at odd angles
Desk in dishevel; scattered papers from a dumped file folder, perhaps?
Vibrating phone jumping; laptop flickering
In a second disharmonizing light show.
Paperclip on floor; scraps of ends of paper laying on a dirty carpet.
Pen cap sitting next to unfashionably full garbage can.
Familiar sound of lights buzzing.
An elevator roars up and down
People talking; some laughing, some yelling.
Clicking of heels seemingly emerging from everywhere
A shriek; security alarm… code…
Clambering and bustling in hallway.
Clock tick, tick, ticking
Sounds of construction off in far distance
Machines irritating electronic buzz
The slam of a door next to me.
Sound…
Trapping me in the office;
Feels like a bomb going off in my head.
Uncomfortably stiff chair.
The seat puts me in a painful angle
that leaves my insides seemingly jolting up through my throat.
I cant get comfortable and my abdomen and chest hurt.
Anxiety mixes with extreme discomfort; I wiggle and shift
Desperately trying to rearrange myself so that I can endure
The brief meeting
Panic-- heart starts to race,
Feels like its beating out of my chest…
I now hear not only the doctors breathing and heart beat,
But my own vitality thumping
In deafening tones.
New smell-- unfamiliar
No longer the scent of horrible Thai take-out in the hallway.
No longer the putrid odor in the waiting room of urine mixed with un-bathed human sweat.
The reek of foul gone… now…nothing…
A slight fragrance of cleanliness.
Psychiatrist speaks:
I’m aware that she’s there.
I’m just so bombarded by my senses that it seems hard to respond.
Mouth dry. Everything seems so overwhelming.
Plane flying over the building,
while her words go over my head.
Lost, unfocused, sad.
Scene 2:Appearance
“Look me in the eye.”
Belt un-centered, shirt turned slightly to the left, not in line with pants.
Pant leg wrinkled; one leg of pant caught up on sock
or perhaps top of shoe.
Shoes scuffed and not polished.
Hair on head displaced, maybe from wind?
1 hair of eyebrow standing on end at weird, unnatural position
1 hair of eyebrow in center of forehead, failed to be plucked.
Freckles on face and arms, 14, I think
Ears and nose dreadfully average; spot of wax in right ear
Oval shaped face, boring and plain.
Flecks of colors in eyes
Slight hint of blood shot in whites
Eyes constantly flickering
Repeated blinking many times a minute.
Strange twitching in skin above upper cheek bone
Eyebrows lift
Smacking noise as lips open and close to speak.
An almost clucking sound joins the serenade of words emerging from mouth.
Make-up guilds the person within
Who am I really seeing… I wonder?
An image of an entity is projected onto me
Can this superficial appearance be the totality of the individual
That I drove 3 hours to meet?
Curious… words… dispense.
Eyes twitch and look away
As she states: : “Trust me.”
Unusual posture.
“Look me in the eye.” she says
What’s so interesting about eye balls, I wonder?
Confusion. And so therapy begins.
Eyes judging.
“When you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you.”-- Nietzsche
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