No rest for the weary!!

Weary Traveler

Walls of isolation closed around me years ago,

I created a little world so my torment didn’t show.

I battled my demons behind a shut door;

I paddled across a sea of chaos, but I could not find

a shore.

 

All alone I sigh,

Dying a mental a mental death I cry.

Madness has moored herself into my mind,

There is no peace, no release, for me to ever find.

I raise my white flag and allow the beast to win;

I surrender and fade into nothingness, time for peace

to finally begin.

 

　Fictional…

Behind Closed Doors

Excerpt:

　

　  I return to the town. Changed, I’m not the same; I’m never

gonna be the same again. No one (but me) can see the difference though; I guess it doesn’t show on the outside. Oh the curse of my inner turmoil! I try to tell them, but they can’t hear, they won’t listen…not to me. I’ve fallen into the forgotten ranks of the playground children.

    Damaged goods, the clown destroyed me! He took my dignity; his molestation went far deeper than that of the physical infraction. I was helpless, I am helpless, I feel scared, scarred-- I cannot protect myself-- this is his infliction. My life was stolen in that woods, but on one will listen to me. I am the victim that fell without a sound. He is a criminal, a thief,--and yet I am the prisoner.

　

　　　　And I the lonely musician play my requiem song;

　　　　For who am I to say, what is right or wrong?

　

　 I see the clown for who is really is, and yet--so alone, I’m left to fret. None will listen it does seem--to this musicians dream, a musicians dream. A eternum vale-- behind the closed doors of our town the predator still enjoys his prey. But, don’t look, don’t see. Let the clown continue to kill the children of your community. I am a ghost. I am an Autumn Mist, locked in silence crying. I am dead. He lives on--with a voice, always with a choice--walking the streets. Why? Why do you close your eyes and try to hide--while the clown destroys this town--why? Choices.
 

　　　　Utter Chaos, behind closed doors.

　

　

 

　　For me, the rape hurt but the silence that surrounded it was unbearable. I was my own worst enemy. I was ashamed, I felt weak and embarrassed, nauseated and alone. I couldn’t stop him but I could lessen the mental anguish by pretending that I had some control, and, the ability to act like I was choosing to have sex with him. The latter was simply a part of his damnable mind games however.

   He manipulated me into believing that I was opting to be with him when I had no choice in the matter. I was powerless and at the time, the rape would occur if I did not cooperate. His deception lied in convincing me that, I could not “tell” because I was somehow “guilty” and “responsible”; both of which are not the case at all I realize as a “survivor” or whatever one chooses to call oneself.

　　

    I left that plain and went into my own little separate safe place far from that terrible reality. I couldn’t stop him but I could reduce the mental anguish by pretending that I had some power.

   There are few things in this world innately good or bad except thinking them such. I choose now! I don’t let what happened to me decide/control my life. I have caring and loving relationships with both men and women. I don’t hate my attacker. What he did was terrible and wrong and he deserves to be punished for it, however I won’t alllow him the satisfaction of destroying my life because of what he did to me.

    I am not a victim! I will not be a slave or punish myself for something that I had no control over. I am a powerful, confidant woman who will succeed because I believe that I will!

　

　And as for that teary dew drop that drips from your eye down upon your chest carrying an unbearable weight, I’ll let it go, because rape is far too much of a heavy burden to bear.

　　…and so does that star rush through my body and touch down through my soul.　　　　

 

　

　

“The most complex and undoubtedly arduous voyage that I have embarked upon is my journey to understand myself.”

   Nature, with her intricate and shadowy Existence, has always left man with an indefinite sense of awe. From the beginning of man’s evolution (into the reflective thinker) he has been faced with bewildering questions which compel him to delve into the mysterious reasons why. From the depths of reality, or nay perhaps I should say the deepest reaches of the contemplators being there appears to arise a mysterious fusion of the stuff of life.

   This ubiquitous interconnectedness always remains as something “distant” “receding”, and only manifests itself “indirectly”. Mankind as a whole seems to harbor the need for this “genuine truth” in temporal existence (“unearthing “ a buoying cause if you will). That will posit meaning to all that he sees and is. Summoning the faculties of language/ thought (which in and of themselves can be seen as in dire need of explication) man seeks a vehicle (steadfast and strong) which can transport him to “his” overarching framework. My interest lies in the seeker himself.

 

 

 

 

   Where is a relief, is there any peace for weary minds. For there are many people that have sought answers and many that have such lofty goals to change the world and come short; have we forgotten what the Existentialists have taught us?

   In 1958 Ludwig Biswanger established three simultaneous modes of world, which characterize the existence of each of our being in the world. To facilitate my work I’m going to assume that this may be accurate.

 

   The first aspect of this hypothetical situation will be umwelt (“world around”), the next will be mitwelt (“with world”), and the third and final one will be eigenwelt (“or “own world”). The Umwelt is what is taken in general parlance as world; it is the world of imposing wills and cycles (desire/relief, sleep/wake, life/death) that each of us is thrust into and must adjust too. Because this objective world is too large for any being to fully know, we reduce it to a smaller more subjective reality of things which impact us directly or things to which we lend meaning. (The world cannot be purely objective, but it also cannot be limited to our imaginative participation). As living beings we are tied to immediate concrete situations.

   Mitwelt is the world of interrelationships. It’s not the “group on the individual” or the “collective mind” nor even the herd instinct (which seeks an environmental constant). It is however, a complex interaction where the meaning of others in a group, are partially determined by ones own relationship to them (the meaning for the group on me depends on how I place myself into it—personal decision and commitment are key.) Mitwelt is a “true” relationship (versus the umwelt adaptation/ herd deal) which involves give/take (compromise) and mutual awareness.

    At this point I’ve approached the physical and the world of interpersonal relationships, but nowhere is the profound realization of the contingency of life (the “thrown-ness” as the Existentialist would say) more evident than in the solitary world. In the beginning of this essay, I mentioned that man alienates but now the question arises who is the alienated? Man suffers an inner harrowing conviction of being estranged. It is this awesome presence of “aloneness” which palpably pervades mans being. For me, every action carries with it innumerable consequences that has the self as the ultimate author. Each man is the writer of is own destiny. Life has no meaning unless you create it. . A Dasein is the whole of mankind’s existence for to retreat to nothingness without finding ones self and is to not live authentically. From darkness spring light.

 

    Eigenwelt is the world of self-awareness, self-relatedness and self-knowledge; it gives insight into the meaning into an event for oneself. It is not merely the inner experience but rather the basis in which we see the “real” world in her “true” light (the basis of our relation to the world, our perspective). The vast array of deterministic influences which operate on me (from the outside world) are only significant in how I relate to them, how I carry them with me, and how I allow myself to be molded (or built by them); and, this is the job of my Eigenwelt. Eigenwelt is the home of insight of my inner Gestalt and reform in general. The presence of this “third world” implies “higher thinking” and “higher being”. It recognizes oneself as an individual.

     Mans struggle for self-assertion in all sectors in life have made him more aware of Gestalt , or that reality constitutes more than the mechanical sum of all its parts. Man is the Idealist; the sole being who is able to have the capability to project wants and hopes into the future. From animalistic vigor, or perhaps even sheer “necessity” man lends meaning and purpose to all that he encounters. It is the distinctive capability of humans to abstract, to use symbols and to go beyond limits and to think in terms of the possible. Man has the unusual capacity to cast bridges across time and know/understand things that one personally or individually has never experienced (or bared witness to). Man jeopardizes the self by questioning the self. Introspecting or skepticism can lead man to alienating himself from his “worlds” which in turn can result in suicide.

    The world of biological drives/ cycles, and determinism (umwelt); the world of responsibility to fellow beings mitwelt); and the world in which the individual can be aware at the fate that he alone is struggling with (eigenwelt) , all of these worlds run parallel and occur simultaneously. As conscious beings men are constantly growing and changing, and engaged in the process of forming and designing their reality.

   To conclude, I would like to say that each of us is ultimately alone; yet each of us is ultimately in relationship to others. This is an interesting paradox.

 Death kisses my salt fingertips in derogative harmony. 4-ever Being….
 

Notes

   Life has no meaning unless I create it. Existence takes precedence over essence and this holds that one is totally free and responsible for ones actions; this responsibility is the source of dread and anguish that one encompasses.

   For me, God is not punishing, rather is the highest facet of my source of endless Love towards life and fellow man. My God is my utmost ability to Reason.

    Challenge your beliefs. It’s only through the deepest doubt of everything that you believe Is and Has been, and will begin to Be that one excels. Learn from the past. Live in the present. Find yourself. Every action carries with it numerous consequences that has the self as the ultimate author.

   One says I regret the past, I say I am who I am today because I would rather be nothing but what I am today, I am the sum of my every action and I choose how to think of my experiences. Clear out the hollow shallow beliefs and become a True Self who knows what she Is and Believes. “Faith” is empty without doubt. It’s only through doubt that you can truly understand your “faith“.

    Man suffers an inner harrowing conviction of being estranged. It is this awesome presence of “aloneness” which palpably pervades mans being. For me, every action carries with it innumerable consequences that has the self as the ultimate author. Each man is the writer of his own destiny. Life has no meaning unless you create it. A Dasein is the whole of mankind’s existence for to retreat into nothingness without finding oneself is to not live authentically.

    Mans struggle for self-assertion in all sectors in life have made him more aware of is Gestalt, or that reality is more than the mechanical sum of all of its parts. Man is the Idealist; the sole being who is able to have the capability to project wants and hopes into the future. From animalistic vigor, or perhaps even sheer “necessity”, man lends meaning and purpose to all that he encounters. This is the distinctive capability of primates to abstract, to use symbols and to go beyond limits and to think in terms of the possible. Man has the unusual capacity to cast bridges across time and know/understand things that one has never experienced (or bared witness to). Man jeopardizes the self by questioning the self. As conscious beings men are constantly growing and changing, and engaged in the process of forming and redesigning our reality.

    Each of us is ultimately alone yet each is ultimately in relationship to others. As Frida Kahlo spoke (famous surrealist), “I paint self-portraits because I’m so often alone, because I am the person I know best.”

    Schopenhauer: “It is only by life that one reveals what one is, and it is only in so far as one reveals oneself that one exists at all.” “Life is only a mirror into what one gazes not that one may get a reflection of oneself, but that one may come to understand oneself by that reflection; the important, that one may see what it is that the mirror shows.”
 
   I render it quite fascinating that so many people find my system of beliefs depressing. I find myself to believe in the one true optimism. Many religions and beliefs, especially Christians, project into the future something post-mortem. I am accepting death, (unfortunately there was at some points angst approaching it and despair) as a part of life, and I celebrate life, because of it. I understand the fragility of life, and am aware of, and accept, the here and now.


“The wolf changes his coat but not his nature.” -German proverb